Memorial: the things we can't deny
by T.J. Wise
Summary: A one shot looking at the inside of Stefan s head after he found out that Damon had been helping Elena work around his "bunny diet" on S4 E02. It should slot neatly before the scene were Stefan and Elena talk it off in the living room. It's just the calm before the proverbial storm ...


**AN: I tried and tried to resist the temptation of writing this. After all I have other stories to wrap up. But this little interlude would not leave me in peace no matter how much I dislike getting inside Stefan`s head. So here it is. I hope you enjoy it.**

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Stefan came back from the botched memorial service feeling really peeved and unstable. One would think that his sourly demeanor was the result of how close they all came to being annihilated by the new vampire hunter, but his mood didn't have a thing to do with that pressing matter. No, his anger and frustration was directed squarely towards the two people he cared for the most as yet another set of events proved how close Damon and Elena really were. _"_

_"Too close for comfort that was what it was."_ - he thought bitterly as he poured himself another drink from the cart in the living room. Elena was upstairs having a shower, leaving Stefan to indulge in his darkest fears, allowing the anger to spread its poison freely in this one man pity party.

Stefan had been fighting with Damon since the first day Elena had turned - hell, he had been fighting Damon since always anyway. Stefan wanted to protect his girlfriend from the emotional pain and pitfalls of being a new vampire. Because he didn't want her to loose control and kill someone, he devised an "animal blood only diet" in the hopes that it would prevent Elena from becoming the ripper he was.

Damon of course was vehemently against the idea, practically starting a picketing line in front of the boarding house. He told Stefan _and_ Elena over and over again that she needed copious amounts of human blood _directly_ from a living vein. He mentioned the doomed example of Vicky, her untimely death and the drama that ensued. He went on and on about the failed attempts Caroline had made at going on the furry diet. Stefan and Elena had stubbornly chosen to ignore him and the truth spewing from his mouth like the good team they were. Well, Stefan chuckled in disgust, it seemed that _he_ chose to ignore Damon... Elena not so much.

"Great team indeed."- he mumbled sourly.

Stefan had thought that his plan was working beautifully and that Elena was adapting well to the animal blood. All seemed well and right in the world until before the memorial service. There he found out that not only she hadn't been able to keep any of the blood down - joy oh joy - she had enlisted Damon's help _behind_ Stefan's back. And help Damon had.

"The opportunistic son of a bitch!"- he screamed in Stefan's he pushed all the contents of a desk savagely to the floor.

His brother had taken advantage of the situation to blood share with his girlfriend.

"The bastard!"- he bellowed running a hand convulsively into his hair - "How could I be so fucking blind?"

When the fuck did his brother become the go to, first port of call, problem solver key person in Elena's life?

"_Oh yeah_" - Stefan thought bitterly - "That was after he screwed up royally the first time around by not telling her about her resemblance to Katherine _or_ the fact that he rescued her from drowning _before_ sleeping with her.

"Bravo you idiot." - he mock applauded himself -"Way to throw her into Damon's arms"- he said in disgust.

True, no one could have predicted their little escapade or that they would bond so well in their little Atlanta trip. No one except Stefan that is, for he was painfully aware of how his brother's charms could work themselves into any girls pants. He thought Elena was different, that Damon's charm wouldn't shine through the bad propaganda Stefan took pains to weave in front of her eyes... It hadn't worked and Stefan had to watch stoically as Damon's gravitas pulled her into his web. So many times Stefan had wished he had inherited the swagger gene, the one that gave Damon the ability of being the nonchalant, arrogant but charming dick that was always forgiven for his behavior.

"Cheers to me." - he bitterly saluted the air with his drink - "The good idiot brother that cannot make the girl stay or commit fully."- he said miserably

He drank the fiery liquid in one gulp, hoping it would stop the bile, the dread rising in his throat at the thought of losing her. His mind cast back to the second time his actions pushed Elena into Damon's willing arms.

Stefan could practically hear the orchestra playing as the background to this "_doomed from the start"_ love story. More a dirge than the spectacular fireworks like symphony he would have liked. As the imaginary cymbals collided with a flourish in his head, Stefan thought of how he screwed up his chances with Elena when he was forced to choose saving his brother over staying with the love of his life...

As Stefan sacrificed himself for the werewolf bite cure, Damon watched over his girl, establishing an apparently unshakable bond that seemed to survive everything. Stefan had been miles away surviving on the pale hope of their epic love, trying not to be consumed by his ripper antics or the blood lust day after bloody day... Of course his predicament wasn't nearly over.

"That would have been too kind."- he mumbled letting his head hang down.

No, Klaus just had to put a cherry on top by compelling him to turn his emotions off, removing the only raft that had kept him afloat and sane in a sea of despair. Enter his alter ego, the asinine ripper vampire so bent on his role as Klaus' sidekick, turned so vengeance blind that he almost drove Elena off Wickery bridge, single handedly crushing most of the love she had for him.

Damon of course was there to pick up the pieces, to save the damsel in distress, to clean after his baby brother... Could Stefan really resent him? Apparently he could _and_ with gusto. His repayment for saving his brother's life was that Damon had permanently wormed himself into Elena's heart... making Stefan lose the love of his life one inch at a time.

"Fuck." - he mumbled defeated and tired and weary "Will this torment ever end?"

"Stefan?" - Elena's voice traveled to his ears as she came into the living room.

She walked tiredly to the big leather chair and collapsed. Stefan watched her wearily from the drinks cart as he poured her a strong measure of whiskey. He didn't bother to hand the glass to her, too angry to risk their skins touching, simply pushing the drink so it would slide on the smooth surface of the furniture next to her. Elena picked the tumbler up and brought it to her mouth under Stefan's scrutinizing gaze.

"Wow"- she mumbled as the smell hit her nostrils,

"It helps with the cravings" - he said tersely.

Elena nodded and gulped it down and gasped as the liquid coated a fiery trail through her insides.

Stefan's accusing eyes were still pinned on her as he drank his own poison. Elena looked up, finally noticing the mood he was in.

"You're mad," - she acknowledged quietly.

"Yeah. I'm mad."`- he paused -"You lied to me."- he looked down and away from her brown eyes.

"I didn't lie... I just didn't tell you..." - she started.

"Common Elena,"- he bit at her unwilling to accept her feeble excuses - "You lied to me"- he said looking directly at her.

Elena had the decency to look a bit put out. Nonetheless she still tried to shift the blame to him.

"You were just so happy that things were going well and.. and"

"You think I'm happy?" - he asked incredulously.

"I just didn't want to ruin it for you."- she tried meekly, never mind her having twisted the knife of hurt by feeding from Damon.

"You are in he'll." - he said angrily - "Which means I'm in hell."- he took a deep breath - "And then you go to _Damon_ for help." - he said his brother's as if it was vervain coating his tongue.

She nodded still trying to prove her innocence.

"Yeah... because I thought you wouldn't understand."

Stefan briefly wondered how stupid did she exactly think he was.

"You think I don't?"- his voice rose an octave.

"Stefan please..." - she pleaded

"You fed on him Elena. _You **fed** on him_."- she looked down ashamed - "I know it may not mean a lot to you but it means a lot _to me."-_ she couldn't look at him - "And I know it _certainly_ meant a lot to Damon..."- he said brokenly.

"I didn't want to hurt you..." - she said lamely and he looked away - "I'm sorry, I'm... look, I'm really really sorry..."

When Stefan ignored her she decided that evasion was her best bet.

"Why am I crying? I am so sick of crying." - she pushed her self from the couch angrily.

Stefan knew evasion when he saw it, but he was too tired to bring her back into the fight.

"Your emotions are a bit heightened right now." - he offered letting her steer the conversation away from the elephant in the room.

"I feel like I have been crying since the day my parents died" - she said pacing up and down -"And my life is like a never ending funeral."

Stefan started to make his way around to her, trying to be the good supportive boyfriend that she wanted him to be. Feeling anything but...

"We keep burying people Stefan..."- she sobbed - "You know what is heightened? This grief. I can't stop feeling everyone's grief. All the hurt I- I feel like it is trying to explode out of me."

Stefan approached her but didn't try to bring her into his arms.

"Hey,"- he said to soothe the hysterical girl - "Common, come with me."

"Where?"

"There is something we need to do."

Elena followed obediently, relieved that she had managed to make him forget about the fight; about her betrayal and lack of trust; about the blood sharing that still made her weak in the knees...

If only she knew that this was just the calm before the proverbial storm...

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**AN: Let me know what you think of it. xoxo**


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